It’s not okay

I’m the person that can be walked over, stepped on, yelled at, ignored and in the end I will say, “it’s okay.”  Well, it’s not okay. I must stand up fpr myself but I don’t even know how or where to start.

I was raised with a suck-it-up-buttercup type of thinking. Growing up like that makes it difficult for me to support someones wallowing. Even when that wallowing is my perception and their reality is a feeling of dispair.


Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I am beginning to think my husband has been misdiagnosed or perhaps has a multiple diagnosis. As a bad day becomes worse I see that he exhibits more behaviors that are similar to BPD than bipolar II.  From the website dual diagnosis I copied the following: 

Understanding the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), in particular, can be one such illness that zaps a person of energy, self-esteem, and hope for a better tomorrow.

A Look at Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms

Similar to some symptoms of bipolar disorder or anxiety, persons with borderline personality disorder often have intense mood swings frequently mixed with paranoia. A signifier of this illness is an extreme instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior. Based on information from the National Institute of Mental Health, some sufferers of BPD often have psychotic episodes as well, and three-quarters of the BPD population are thought to practice self-injury. The illness is thought to affect an estimated 2 percent of the population (1.6 percent), with females more likely to be diagnosed (about 75 percent).

The DMS-IV outlines nine symptoms that identify borderline personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed by a mental health care profession, one needs to be at least 18 years of age and exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

  • Extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment. The feeling of being abandoned is perhaps one of the most indicative markers of borderline personality disorder. Whether real or imagined, a person suffering from BPD may show intense, often inappropriate, reactions when he/she feels abandoned.
  • Torrid relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder often has intense emotions about friends and others close to him/her, in particular lovers or caretakers, which may correlate to fear of abandonment. Feelings may constitute extreme love (idealization) or hate (devaluation) and are subject to change without notice or predicating event. People with BPD may also seem overly reliant or dependent upon friends, lovers, or family members.
  • Distorted self-image. Often feeling like he/she is “bad” or “evil,” a person with BPD may show signs of low self-worth or value. This disturbance in perceived identity is frequently negative or pessimistic and can shift suddenly. For example, someone with BPD may have extreme feelings about how they are unloved or worthless triggered by an event in which a friend is five minutes late for a lunch date.
  • Impulsive or dangerous behavior. Impulsive or risky behavior often includes sex, substance abuse, binges, or charging a lot of money on credit cards. These behaviors are often considered to be dangerously impulsive and can put oneself or others at risk.
  • Recurring suicidal thoughts. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempt.
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Those suffering from BPD may often feel disillusioned or unfulfilled with their places in life.
  • Inappropriate anger. Referring to the earlier example about a lunch date, a person with BPD may yell at a friend for being late. It’s possible that, going to back to unstable relationships, he/she may immediately switch feelings about that person and illustrate devaluation as a result.
  • Intense and highly unstable moods. Those with BPD often display unpredictable and erratic behavior as the result of varying moods.
  • Stress-related paranoia or dissociative symptoms. This symptom is marked by a loss of reality or perception.

This is my life and yet my heart aches for my husband. I experience the rollercoaster of emotional chaos yet he lives it. It is in him. In his heart, in his mind playing on repeat. I can see it and walk away.  I can cry for an hour in the shower then curl in bed, face the wall and attempt to sleep hoping morning brings a changed attitude or words of forgiveness from an accusatory spouse. But I am the lucky one. I have general anxiety disorder, mild depression that is at bay, recognizable, yet non-limiting ptsd and widespread pain. That is so manageable compared to what my husband must be experiencing. I try and tell myself this every time he speaks a cutting word or makes a claim of infidelity. I tell myself, ‘he must be feeling pretty crappy to make me feel so crappy.’  And I know that he is not responsible for how I react to something; but inside of me I feel a bit of blame that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so hated, neglected, unwanted, ugly, unloved, worthless, miserable, stagnant, and lost if he wasn’t so sporadic with his emotions.  

Well, that folks is my life. My day. My nights. Thank God in heaven this isn’t everyday, but I think sometimes that is what makes it so bad….the unpredictability of it all. 

Working slowly in me; doing my best for my family; holding to my personal bill of rights, one line at a time. 

The Narrator and Meddling

Thanks to The Daily Post I was inspired to write about a gal at my soon to be old job who is not just your typical chatty Kathy. My husband has dubbed her The Narrator because she has a habit of talking to herself at complete audible level, ALL DAY LONG!  I’ve never in all my born days been so irritated by a persons who has a voice that can pierce through headphones.  Not only does said Narrator speak all damn day, but she meddles too. If anyone in the range of her hearing is speaking, then she is the expert and speaks up to the ‘facts’ that’s she knows. Such facts as, other governments are spraying chemicals over our air so that the temperature is changing; she can’t figure out excel but she knows how to make the copier work better; she can’t own a cat unless she sleeps with it; she doesn’t know how glasses work and she is struggling to figure out her contacts.  Oh there are just so many gems I cannot even begin to think of them all.

I wish

I wish I was the mom to my daughter that I was to my other children. I would pray with them before every meal, read to them every night, bake with them, do the laundry throughout the week, vacuum daily and go to their school. I hate who I am now. I feel like a lifeless shell who struggles just to be present. Things are so different since I’ve gotten married. It truly is an adjustment. 

Tiny house living

Our family of 4 lives in 400 square feet. As much as I have always loved the idea of living in a tiny house, the reality of it leaves much to be desired. I think my biggest complaint is that we aren’t able to personalize it how we would like. Our living space is more of a casita that is attached to my husbands aunts house. While we are forever grateful for her offering this space to us, it is not our space.  That is so hard for me. It hurts my heart and fuels my depression that we don’t have a place of our own. I want my children to have their own room. I want to have a second bathroom. I understand these are some pitfall first world problems, but as a member of a first world country, I have become accustomed to certain ways of living.  I truly feel as though this space wouldn’t be that bad if we were able to make it our own. Hanging up photos, buying our own dishes, making a loft space for my son to sleep, instead of on a fold out mattress in the living room. But, alas, here we are. I am thankful for having a roof over our heads, I am thankful for having family that has never asked us to leave or even remotely implied that we have overstayed our welcome, I am happy that I work a near 3 minutes from where I lay my head at night to sleep. These are all amazing blessings and I am thankful for each and every one. I do, however, want a place that is ours and not ours for the moment. 

I am depressed and feel stuck and drowning in monotony!  I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am without choices or options. I dread the thought that the calendar pages will flip over and say 2018 and I will still be here, ever more crowded, every more unstable. I fear I will pack a bag and drive.  Drive until the road ends and keep driving. Just to have freedom of movement and space for once in the past 2 years. My own thoughts concern me because they do not always seem illogical. In my head (a dark and worrisome placed filled with fear and doubt), my thoughts seem perfectly timed and well organized. 

Quote for the week: everything you want is on the other side of fear. (I don’t know who said it and I’m not sure I agree but they are probably right…whoever they may be)