Our family of 4 lives in 400 square feet. As much as I have always loved the idea of living in a tiny house, the reality of it leaves much to be desired. I think my biggest complaint is that we aren’t able to personalize it how we would like. Our living space is more of a casita that is attached to my husbands aunts house. While we are forever grateful for her offering this space to us, it is not our space. That is so hard for me. It hurts my heart and fuels my depression that we don’t have a place of our own. I want my children to have their own room. I want to have a second bathroom. I understand these are some pitfall first world problems, but as a member of a first world country, I have become accustomed to certain ways of living. I truly feel as though this space wouldn’t be that bad if we were able to make it our own. Hanging up photos, buying our own dishes, making a loft space for my son to sleep, instead of on a fold out mattress in the living room. But, alas, here we are. I am thankful for having a roof over our heads, I am thankful for having family that has never asked us to leave or even remotely implied that we have overstayed our welcome, I am happy that I work a near 3 minutes from where I lay my head at night to sleep. These are all amazing blessings and I am thankful for each and every one. I do, however, want a place that is ours and not ours for the moment.
I am depressed and feel stuck and drowning in monotony! I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am without choices or options. I dread the thought that the calendar pages will flip over and say 2018 and I will still be here, ever more crowded, every more unstable. I fear I will pack a bag and drive. Drive until the road ends and keep driving. Just to have freedom of movement and space for once in the past 2 years. My own thoughts concern me because they do not always seem illogical. In my head (a dark and worrisome placed filled with fear and doubt), my thoughts seem perfectly timed and well organized.
Quote for the week: everything you want is on the other side of fear. (I don’t know who said it and I’m not sure I agree but they are probably right…whoever they may be)