Grateful for…

via Daily Prompt: Gratitude

In times past I wrote daily in a gratitude journal.  My goal was to find no less than 10 things I was grateful for each day.  I began to struggle, or so I thought, to find variance in my lists.  Looking back I can see how happy it made me and really how it changed my view of life around me.  The things I found myself writing most were: my family, another day of life, belief in God, patience, hope, peace of heart, the Bible, and friends (listed out).  This seemed to be redundant over time.  Although that is true I now realize that this list of grateful redundancy does not happen to all.

Growing older is a gift not given to some.  As I watched my mother take her last breath in an upstairs hospital room in the fall of 2011, I felt grateful for very little.  Now….now, I am grateful for the days I had, the 33 years of life I shared with her.  The way she nurtured me in her growing belly for more than 10 months (because timeliness just wasn’t my thing back in utero).  The stories of my childhood and of her own that she would reflect upon.  How she loved my son so very much and loved being his Grammy.  I am grateful for the over 12,000 days I spent with her.  I am grateful for the good times and how she taught me to be stronger during our ickiest of times.

So today, this very day, I am again reaching for a notebook to reclaim as my gratitude journal.  It may fluctuate into a Facebook post or a blog entry, but grateful I will be.  I want to show up in the world every thankful for the beauty I am blessed to see each day.  And with the icky stuff happens, because we all know it will happen, I will be grateful for that too.  For in the darkest moments we see our inner light shine.  Be it flickering and dull, it is our light and we must claim it for what it is.  It is OURS!  No one can fully take away our fight and our ability to learn from our surroundings.

I want my children to grow into adults who are able to see past all that is horrific and be glad that they were present to grow from a life changing moment.

I sit on a couch that isn’t mine, in a 400 square feet space that has been gifted to my family of four and I could be the most depressed and dark soul.  (These last two years I have been.  I have not practiced what I now preach.)  Yet, I vow to look outside of my tattered space and be thankful and grateful for all that I have.  The heart full of love that cannot be purchased, sold, or exchanged.  I vow to make 2018 a better year than 2017.  Not because things may change, though I hope they do, but because my attitude toward them will change.

So that, that is what I am grateful for. Long post short; I am grateful for the ability to see the good in every situation.  The willingness to accept my personal growth and my desire to spread good thoughts of gratitude onto those around me.

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Review of LaLa Leggings

Review of LaLa Leggings

I was introduced to the world of Lu La Roe (LLR) a couple of weeks ago and I feel in love with leggings all over again.  I wished I would have known their amazingness when I was pregnant last year.  The only thing that held me and holds me back from becoming a Lu La Roe rep is the cost it takes to run this business.  A good 5 grand is just the start.  Then you need to get hangers and market like your life depends on it.

Welcome to the world of Lala Leggings.  Not only are their prices about 25%-30% lower than LLR, they offer free shipping throughout the US and I don’t have to hold an inventory of goods.  I tried them on and dang!  They are soooo soft.  Also, as an affiliate, I get a 25% discount on all my orders and I earn a hearty commission on my sales and sub affiliate sales.  I am growing my team and so happy with our weekly releases.  Yes, you heard that correctly.  We have new products released EVERY WEEK!  There are mommy and me sets and sizes from one size up to 3X/4X and higher.  Thankfully we are not just about leggings, there are shorts, maxi shirts, high low tops, tanks, and so much more.  Come on over to my website

, look around and fill your cart.  You will be happy you did.

How to save 10 grand in one year!

Everyone should be a savings queen or king. Here is a couple of ways to save $10,000 in one year if you get paid every other week.
 
Saving $10,000 in 52 weeks (biweekly)
1 $275
2 $475
3 $275
4 $475
5 $275
6 $475
7 $275
8 $475
9 $275
10 $475
11 $275
12 $475
13 $275
14 $475
15 $275
16 $475
17 $275
18 $475
19 $275
20 $475
21 $275
22 $475
23 $275
24 $475
25 $425
26 $575
The next thing that comes to mind is how? How do you come up with an extra $10, 000 a year? Here are a few ways to cut expenses in order to be able to save such huge amounts.  1. Stay with a family member for one year and save on rent.  This could snowball your savings so that you save another couple thousand. 2. Refinance your car.  Getting a lower payment and lower APR could help you in the long run.  3. Cut cable and landline phones.  4. Put a pause on extras such as manicures, pedicures, hair color, and even haircuts.  5. Use schools to save on haircuts and dental work.  Sometimes things must be done, but who says you need to pay full price.  Do your research, embrace google, ask for referrals and save your hard-earned money.  6. Make more meals at home.  Limit yourself to going out just a couple of days a month instead of a couple days a week.  7. Avoid coffee shops like the plague.  Make yourself a strong cup of coffee or even espresso at home and save a thousand a year easily.  8. Make a budget and stick to it like your life depends on it.  Make sure you add everything on there, even movie nights once a month.  Being on a budget doesn’t mean you don’t spend money on fun things, it just means you keep track of those pennies and you pinch them!  9. Get an accountability partner.  Having positivity in our lives is vital for going forward and making our dreams a reality.  Find a friend who can keep you accountable to save and not ‘make it rain’ every chance you get.  10. Embrace Groupon and other money savings apps.  These are great ways to send your kiddo to a summer camp or take a date night with a loved one without spending an arm and a leg.

Let me know if any of these ways work for you.

A constant pain

I don’t know which is worse, my neverending pain or my husband’s depression. I have my own anxiety issues but they don’t wake me up at night. I have a pain journal on my phone but i am inconsistent in using it. Mainly because each entry would state that I hurt all over.  I need to make my health a priority even though I have a job and family to take care of. 

It’s not okay

I’m the person that can be walked over, stepped on, yelled at, ignored and in the end I will say, “it’s okay.”  Well, it’s not okay. I must stand up fpr myself but I don’t even know how or where to start.

I was raised with a suck-it-up-buttercup type of thinking. Growing up like that makes it difficult for me to support someones wallowing. Even when that wallowing is my perception and their reality is a feeling of dispair.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I am beginning to think my husband has been misdiagnosed or perhaps has a multiple diagnosis. As a bad day becomes worse I see that he exhibits more behaviors that are similar to BPD than bipolar II.  From the website dual diagnosis I copied the following: 

Understanding the Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), in particular, can be one such illness that zaps a person of energy, self-esteem, and hope for a better tomorrow.

A Look at Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms

Similar to some symptoms of bipolar disorder or anxiety, persons with borderline personality disorder often have intense mood swings frequently mixed with paranoia. A signifier of this illness is an extreme instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior. Based on information from the National Institute of Mental Health, some sufferers of BPD often have psychotic episodes as well, and three-quarters of the BPD population are thought to practice self-injury. The illness is thought to affect an estimated 2 percent of the population (1.6 percent), with females more likely to be diagnosed (about 75 percent).

The DMS-IV outlines nine symptoms that identify borderline personality disorder. In order to be diagnosed by a mental health care profession, one needs to be at least 18 years of age and exhibit five or more of the following symptoms:

  • Extreme reactions to real or perceived abandonment. The feeling of being abandoned is perhaps one of the most indicative markers of borderline personality disorder. Whether real or imagined, a person suffering from BPD may show intense, often inappropriate, reactions when he/she feels abandoned.
  • Torrid relationships. A person with borderline personality disorder often has intense emotions about friends and others close to him/her, in particular lovers or caretakers, which may correlate to fear of abandonment. Feelings may constitute extreme love (idealization) or hate (devaluation) and are subject to change without notice or predicating event. People with BPD may also seem overly reliant or dependent upon friends, lovers, or family members.
  • Distorted self-image. Often feeling like he/she is “bad” or “evil,” a person with BPD may show signs of low self-worth or value. This disturbance in perceived identity is frequently negative or pessimistic and can shift suddenly. For example, someone with BPD may have extreme feelings about how they are unloved or worthless triggered by an event in which a friend is five minutes late for a lunch date.
  • Impulsive or dangerous behavior. Impulsive or risky behavior often includes sex, substance abuse, binges, or charging a lot of money on credit cards. These behaviors are often considered to be dangerously impulsive and can put oneself or others at risk.
  • Recurring suicidal thoughts. The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that living with BPD can manifest into destructive behavior, such as self-harm (cutting) or suicide attempt.
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom. Those suffering from BPD may often feel disillusioned or unfulfilled with their places in life.
  • Inappropriate anger. Referring to the earlier example about a lunch date, a person with BPD may yell at a friend for being late. It’s possible that, going to back to unstable relationships, he/she may immediately switch feelings about that person and illustrate devaluation as a result.
  • Intense and highly unstable moods. Those with BPD often display unpredictable and erratic behavior as the result of varying moods.
  • Stress-related paranoia or dissociative symptoms. This symptom is marked by a loss of reality or perception.

This is my life and yet my heart aches for my husband. I experience the rollercoaster of emotional chaos yet he lives it. It is in him. In his heart, in his mind playing on repeat. I can see it and walk away.  I can cry for an hour in the shower then curl in bed, face the wall and attempt to sleep hoping morning brings a changed attitude or words of forgiveness from an accusatory spouse. But I am the lucky one. I have general anxiety disorder, mild depression that is at bay, recognizable, yet non-limiting ptsd and widespread pain. That is so manageable compared to what my husband must be experiencing. I try and tell myself this every time he speaks a cutting word or makes a claim of infidelity. I tell myself, ‘he must be feeling pretty crappy to make me feel so crappy.’  And I know that he is not responsible for how I react to something; but inside of me I feel a bit of blame that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so hated, neglected, unwanted, ugly, unloved, worthless, miserable, stagnant, and lost if he wasn’t so sporadic with his emotions.  

Well, that folks is my life. My day. My nights. Thank God in heaven this isn’t everyday, but I think sometimes that is what makes it so bad….the unpredictability of it all. 

Working slowly in me; doing my best for my family; holding to my personal bill of rights, one line at a time.