The rug has been pulled out from under me.

Sometimes you want to be that person who only focuses on the good. Who sees the bright side of any issue. Who tells others there will always be a silver lining.

But then there is a reality that punches you in the face. It grabs you by the throat and sucker punches you until you cannot speak. That, my friends was my Tuesday. Tuesday night my spouse revealed to me a relapse had happen in his recover. Clean for over 14 years but not anymore. Ok, that’s extreme. He had a slip up, he’s not actively using anymore but he did. I was…no, I AM crushed. My trust has crumbled. I am hurt and in a horrible movie-lile nightmare in which I cannot escape. I just want to click my heels and wake up from this bad dream, but here we are…very much awake.

I feel overall very numb. I’m emotionless and yet full of emotion. I’m hurt and feel to blame. Hopefully we will get back to where we were but I didn’t much love that either.

Being a grown up sucks! Being a mom, a wife, a woman…it’s all so very hard. Being a Christian is difficult and being a person feels impossible. I’m detached from reality a bit right now. Hopefully something or sometime will allow me to find myself and my goals again.

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Get your side hustle on

If you haven’t already, there are a couple of sites to join that create a passive income. Now I use the word ‘income’ loosely because they likely are not going to pay your house note, but they will easily make you gas money. In my mind, free money is free money. Here is the first one, Inbox Dollars.  By letting brief videos play in the background or completing surveys, or as easy as opening an email, you can find yourself a few bucks richer. I have made over $100 in the last year and I honestly didn’t even put that much effort into in. Maybe 2 hours or so, the whole year!  Stay tuned for additional money making websites. 

Grateful for…

via Daily Prompt: Gratitude

In times past I wrote daily in a gratitude journal.  My goal was to find no less than 10 things I was grateful for each day.  I began to struggle, or so I thought, to find variance in my lists.  Looking back I can see how happy it made me and really how it changed my view of life around me.  The things I found myself writing most were: my family, another day of life, belief in God, patience, hope, peace of heart, the Bible, and friends (listed out).  This seemed to be redundant over time.  Although that is true I now realize that this list of grateful redundancy does not happen to all.

Growing older is a gift not given to some.  As I watched my mother take her last breath in an upstairs hospital room in the fall of 2011, I felt grateful for very little.  Now….now, I am grateful for the days I had, the 33 years of life I shared with her.  The way she nurtured me in her growing belly for more than 10 months (because timeliness just wasn’t my thing back in utero).  The stories of my childhood and of her own that she would reflect upon.  How she loved my son so very much and loved being his Grammy.  I am grateful for the over 12,000 days I spent with her.  I am grateful for the good times and how she taught me to be stronger during our ickiest of times.

So today, this very day, I am again reaching for a notebook to reclaim as my gratitude journal.  It may fluctuate into a Facebook post or a blog entry, but grateful I will be.  I want to show up in the world every thankful for the beauty I am blessed to see each day.  And with the icky stuff happens, because we all know it will happen, I will be grateful for that too.  For in the darkest moments we see our inner light shine.  Be it flickering and dull, it is our light and we must claim it for what it is.  It is OURS!  No one can fully take away our fight and our ability to learn from our surroundings.

I want my children to grow into adults who are able to see past all that is horrific and be glad that they were present to grow from a life changing moment.

I sit on a couch that isn’t mine, in a 400 square feet space that has been gifted to my family of four and I could be the most depressed and dark soul.  (These last two years I have been.  I have not practiced what I now preach.)  Yet, I vow to look outside of my tattered space and be thankful and grateful for all that I have.  The heart full of love that cannot be purchased, sold, or exchanged.  I vow to make 2018 a better year than 2017.  Not because things may change, though I hope they do, but because my attitude toward them will change.

So that, that is what I am grateful for. Long post short; I am grateful for the ability to see the good in every situation.  The willingness to accept my personal growth and my desire to spread good thoughts of gratitude onto those around me.

How to save 10 grand in one year!

Everyone should be a savings queen or king. Here is a couple of ways to save $10,000 in one year if you get paid every other week.
 
Saving $10,000 in 52 weeks (biweekly)
1 $275
2 $475
3 $275
4 $475
5 $275
6 $475
7 $275
8 $475
9 $275
10 $475
11 $275
12 $475
13 $275
14 $475
15 $275
16 $475
17 $275
18 $475
19 $275
20 $475
21 $275
22 $475
23 $275
24 $475
25 $425
26 $575
The next thing that comes to mind is how? How do you come up with an extra $10, 000 a year? Here are a few ways to cut expenses in order to be able to save such huge amounts.  1. Stay with a family member for one year and save on rent.  This could snowball your savings so that you save another couple thousand. 2. Refinance your car.  Getting a lower payment and lower APR could help you in the long run.  3. Cut cable and landline phones.  4. Put a pause on extras such as manicures, pedicures, hair color, and even haircuts.  5. Use schools to save on haircuts and dental work.  Sometimes things must be done, but who says you need to pay full price.  Do your research, embrace google, ask for referrals and save your hard-earned money.  6. Make more meals at home.  Limit yourself to going out just a couple of days a month instead of a couple days a week.  7. Avoid coffee shops like the plague.  Make yourself a strong cup of coffee or even espresso at home and save a thousand a year easily.  8. Make a budget and stick to it like your life depends on it.  Make sure you add everything on there, even movie nights once a month.  Being on a budget doesn’t mean you don’t spend money on fun things, it just means you keep track of those pennies and you pinch them!  9. Get an accountability partner.  Having positivity in our lives is vital for going forward and making our dreams a reality.  Find a friend who can keep you accountable to save and not ‘make it rain’ every chance you get.  10. Embrace Groupon and other money savings apps.  These are great ways to send your kiddo to a summer camp or take a date night with a loved one without spending an arm and a leg.

Let me know if any of these ways work for you.

A constant pain

I don’t know which is worse, my neverending pain or my husband’s depression. I have my own anxiety issues but they don’t wake me up at night. I have a pain journal on my phone but i am inconsistent in using it. Mainly because each entry would state that I hurt all over.  I need to make my health a priority even though I have a job and family to take care of. 

The Narrator and Meddling

Thanks to The Daily Post I was inspired to write about a gal at my soon to be old job who is not just your typical chatty Kathy. My husband has dubbed her The Narrator because she has a habit of talking to herself at complete audible level, ALL DAY LONG!  I’ve never in all my born days been so irritated by a persons who has a voice that can pierce through headphones.  Not only does said Narrator speak all damn day, but she meddles too. If anyone in the range of her hearing is speaking, then she is the expert and speaks up to the ‘facts’ that’s she knows. Such facts as, other governments are spraying chemicals over our air so that the temperature is changing; she can’t figure out excel but she knows how to make the copier work better; she can’t own a cat unless she sleeps with it; she doesn’t know how glasses work and she is struggling to figure out her contacts.  Oh there are just so many gems I cannot even begin to think of them all.