I wish

I wish I was the mom to my daughter that I was to my other children. I would pray with them before every meal, read to them every night, bake with them, do the laundry throughout the week, vacuum daily and go to their school. I hate who I am now. I feel like a lifeless shell who struggles just to be present. Things are so different since I’ve gotten married. It truly is an adjustment. 

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Tiny house living

Our family of 4 lives in 400 square feet. As much as I have always loved the idea of living in a tiny house, the reality of it leaves much to be desired. I think my biggest complaint is that we aren’t able to personalize it how we would like. Our living space is more of a casita that is attached to my husbands aunts house. While we are forever grateful for her offering this space to us, it is not our space.  That is so hard for me. It hurts my heart and fuels my depression that we don’t have a place of our own. I want my children to have their own room. I want to have a second bathroom. I understand these are some pitfall first world problems, but as a member of a first world country, I have become accustomed to certain ways of living.  I truly feel as though this space wouldn’t be that bad if we were able to make it our own. Hanging up photos, buying our own dishes, making a loft space for my son to sleep, instead of on a fold out mattress in the living room. But, alas, here we are. I am thankful for having a roof over our heads, I am thankful for having family that has never asked us to leave or even remotely implied that we have overstayed our welcome, I am happy that I work a near 3 minutes from where I lay my head at night to sleep. These are all amazing blessings and I am thankful for each and every one. I do, however, want a place that is ours and not ours for the moment. 

I am depressed and feel stuck and drowning in monotony!  I feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am without choices or options. I dread the thought that the calendar pages will flip over and say 2018 and I will still be here, ever more crowded, every more unstable. I fear I will pack a bag and drive.  Drive until the road ends and keep driving. Just to have freedom of movement and space for once in the past 2 years. My own thoughts concern me because they do not always seem illogical. In my head (a dark and worrisome placed filled with fear and doubt), my thoughts seem perfectly timed and well organized. 

Quote for the week: everything you want is on the other side of fear. (I don’t know who said it and I’m not sure I agree but they are probably right…whoever they may be)

Friday!

What a week. My c section scar is still numb and we are at month 6 since baby girl has been born. Apparently it is normal to last a year or longer. Hopefully I will get the feeling back in the next couple of months. 

Long story short, baby is sleeping through the night again for about 11 hours straight (thank God), husband’s bi-polar has been bad but so has my depression and anxiety. This week closes with emotions lifting, hopefully for both of us. We are also working on rasing our credit score to buy a house.  Hopefully we will be out of our 400 square foot apartment soon. 

Bipolar Sucks!

The real kind, not the irractic confusing blanket title kind. My husband has bipolar disorder and it is best described as a horrible roller coaster ride that I didn’t sign up for and I can’t get off. I am thankful not to have the racing thoughts and voices in my head…I cannot imagine whatcthat must be like! What I experience because of his illness is, almost daily,  immobilizing. I truly hate this disease and who my husband becomes because of it. I cry far too often, as does he, and all it seems to do is draw us apart. The fight to stay strong and happily married seems near impossible at times. We will endure. We will succeed. We will struggle. It will be worth it. (At least that is what I keep telling myself.)

The side hustle is strong with this one

So I found a website that you can list and sell breast milk on.  (This is also an option for those looking to buy breast milk.)  Increasing my revenue streams has included this new venture for me as well.

I started pumping a couple of weeks ago but increased to twice today and will work my way up to four times a day, God willing.  In the next couple of days I will also post a list of my current revenue streams as well as their income levels. Hopefully this will help some other stay at home moms and dads out there to increase their income.

What was in my hospital bag?

I feel like this blog is written in the way my brain works….a little scattered, full of random information, quiet, and yet loud all at the same time. I apologize in advance, but I don’t really know how to change that. I write when I have time, which is rare with two children and a household to take care of.

My daughter was born at the end of October and I had packed my hospital bag months before her arrival. I was the google and Pinterest queen so I had packed, what a felt, was a pretty stellar hospital bag. Little did I know, having never delivered a child before, that I wouldn’t need most of what I packed.

Recognizing that each delivery is different and each hospital is different, my bag may differ from yours by a lot. Also, my hospital was only 15 minutes from my house so if I was missing anything, my husband could go home and grab it, or our family members could swing by and grab it for us (the above things both happened when my husband forgot medication and another day forgot his cell phone at the house).

One thing that also helped me in my packing prep was to go on the hospital tour prior to having my baby. I asked a few questions but mainly wanted to know what they would provide so I didn’t have to bring it. I was nervous and a little scared so I didn’t ask a ton of questions (hence the over packing on my part).

Fast forward to my delivery…I ended up having an emergency c section and I only gained eight pounds during my pregnancy so my wardrobe needs didn’t change too much.  Meaning, I didn’t have to think back to what I wore or fit into at six months, like some sites suggested.

Ok, down to the nitty gritty.  Here is my list of the top 10 items I should have packed since the hospital really did provide quite a lot.

1) Comfy clothes.  This includes a tank top that you can easily breastfeed while wearing and pants (I only wore a pair of sweat pants to go home in and the rest of the time I happily lived in the hospital gown (those babies are comfy)).  Remember too that you will be in photos during this time and solid colors may photograph better and make you feel like less of a hot mess.

2) Clothes for hubby.  I way overpacked for him and really, especially since we lived close, should have packed a pair of shorts and a shirt.  My husband was and is a trooper so he would have suffered through anything just to be in the same room as baby girl and I. He went home to shower each morning (I only stayed in the hospital two nights), and grab a few z’s, oh, and take those morning mess he forgot to pack.

3) Medication.  This even includes your prenatals, because the hospital didn’t give me any and it made it hard to keep up with my daily routine.

4) Nursing bra.  This wasn’t really necessary until it was time to go home. Baby girl was nursing ever hour so a nursing bra would have totally been a huge hassle.

5) Sample size shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I never used the shampoo and conditioner (I knew I was going to be induced so Sunday night included hair washing and straightening to last me a week of no fuss hair, but I packed it as a just in case).  Body wash was glorious to have, as well as a loofa, because I felt partially normal after showering and getting dressed. It was like a beautiful rite of passage to get the go ahead to shower.

6) Thick, dark colored towel. This is not a necessity at all and my hospital had fairly thick towels which I choose to use instead of creating more laundry for myself but I have heard mini horror stories of hospitals having towels no bigger than a hand towel and about as thick as two ply toilet paper. I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer through that.

7) Slippers or non slip socks. Now the hospital will provide a pair of some hideous non slip socks but just looking down at my still swollen feet in those things made me feel sickly.  Putting on my own gripper type socks was a gleeful reminder that I am almost home. If I would have had slippers I most defiantly would have work those.

8) Coming home outfit for baby. Knowing that babies are forever peeing, pooping or puking, you might want to pack two outfits. I packed one in newborn size and the other in zero to three months size. You never can be too sure how big baby will be, so I was glad I had a backup. By the by, baby girl had dropped to 6 lbs 11 ounces by the time we went home. Just now, at a month, her newborn clothes are getting tighter. Until it was time to go home we left baby girl in her hospital shirt all swaddled up.

9) Lip balm and/or coconut oil. I was drinking tons of water and I still had super dry lips.  I kept meaning to pack my coconut oil and completely forgot. Thankfully I had lip balm in my purse and that helped a ton.

10) Phone charger.  This is key since, even though I was exhausted and excited and trying to sleep, I was up every hour feeding and boredom was real.

My list of what I thought I would need and never touched is below:

Snacks, change for the vending machine for hubby to get snacks, underwear (the hospital gives you these stretchy mesh underpants that are amazingly easy to use and were way better than any pair of unders I could have packed), multiple outfits for me, baby, and hubby, giant maxi pads, baby diapers and wipes.

Happy packing new moms to be!

What in earth is GrassFedBroccoli?

I’m glad you asked. So my family attempts to be healthy eating, organic buying, cloth diaper wearing, green cleaner using. However we are busy and a little strapped for cash at the moment so sometimes we don’t get much further than our wanting to be all these great things. My husband came up with the phrase grass fed broccoli since being crunchy, small house wanting, organic wearing, vegan loving, dairy free living is more what I would love (or think I would love)…my husband, on the other hand wants to be healthy and happy both emotionally and spiritually and physically too. So, here we stand, or rather sit…grass fed broccoli. It doesn’t make a lot of sense but it makes me laugh and that is good enough for me.